My simple ranting diary

It is understandable when people try to tell one another that they understand the way they feel, because even if they have lived through it, it could be different. Whether it is the way they approach it, how big their feelings are, or if it was as bad as the other. So with that thought, has anyone else had to really experience such judge mental parents? Most likely. But I feel as if my case is different.
I am the only girl, with two older brothers and parents that have such high standards for me.  
     I feel like I am in a constant bubble where I am being watched and judged every step I make. I worry about messing up instead of accepting them and learning from them because I don't want to disappoint my family. They come from a time and place where they expect every young lady to move out ONLY when they are married. And it is not that I don't understand that because I completely get where they are coming from and how proud they must feel if I were to give them that honor, but how am I supposed to learn? How am I supposed to get comfortable, and be sure that a man loves me when he hasn't seen me sleep, wake up with messy hair, experienced my grumpy mornings, tasted my burnt pancakes, or all my other flaws that he could learn about. What if I marry them and after seeing all that, they decide they don't want to spend the rest of their life with me? My dream is to get married once and only once, which is why I need to experience before I make big decisions.                     Also, what other 19 year old still has to ask their parents for permission to go out with their friends? I am an adult and my family thinks it necessary to keep me from experiencing the little things in life. I see my friends going on vacations and I eagerly die to do what they are doing, but I am an adult and I easily can go. I am in college, I have two jobs and I still don't deserve to do what makes me happy in my parents eyes. Sadly, if I ever were to tell my parents this they would never speak to me again. So, I have to chose between making myself happy and losing important people to me or making my family happy and living the way they want me to.